oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
