I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I looked at my own cervix.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
