it was like eating out sand paper
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
