...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
