I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
