Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
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