The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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