Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize