Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
