Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
