It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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