Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
