i think i have two assholes
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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