...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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