and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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