I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
