I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize