Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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