I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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