Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
