The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
