Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
