I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
