i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
