New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
