I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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