Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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