Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
