I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
