I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
