I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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