I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
