im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
