....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
