Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
