I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
