Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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