Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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