Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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