Someone shit on the floor
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
