See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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