that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
