I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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