new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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