Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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