Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
