She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
