Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
