These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
