I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
