you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
