i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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