angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
