i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
