u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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