Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
