I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
